Spare the rod, spoil the child?

If you are familiar with the phrase, "Spare the rod, spoil the child," you might be under the impression that it comes from The Bible, more specifically, the book of Proverbs. Unfortunately (or from my point of view, I suppose it is very fortunate), it actually comes from a satirical poem, Hudibras, written by Samuel Butler in the 1600s. Go ahead and take a look at Part II Canto I, around line 840. Did you find it? It probably wasn't what you expected to read in connection to disciplining a child, was it?

I find it interesting that a line from a poem that is discussing spanking in the context of a sexual relationship is linked with physical discipline for a child. Just a few lines down Butler says,

Why may not whipping have as good
A grace, perform'd in time and mood,
With comely movement, and by art,
Raise passion in a lady's heart?
It is an easier way to make 855
Love by, than that which many take.
Who would not rather suffer whipping,
Than swallow toasts of bits of ribbon?
Make wicked verses, treats, and faces,
And spell names over with beer-glasses 860
Be under vows to hang and die
Love's sacrifice, and all a lie?

Yes, of course, makes total sense right? I mean, who wants to deal with all that romantic crap, flowers and chocolate and whispering sweet nothings when you can just spank your partner on the behind and get on with the "love-making". And from there it is easy to make the leap across the Grand Canyon and infer that Butler (who is right up there with Paul, maybe even Jesus) means we should beat our children on the backside with a rod or they will be spoiled brats.

Or maybe not.

The book of Proverbs does make several references to a "rod" in connection with disciplining a child. The one most people probably think they are quoting when they say, "Spare the rod, spoil the child," is Proverbs 13:24, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him."

So what's the difference? The Bible still tells us to spank, right? Well, context is always important. I mean honestly, it makes you look stupid to go around quoting a poem about sexual spanking when you are talking about discipline for a child (not to mention that it is perverted to relate that to a child). It is also important to actually go to the Bible instead of just assuming that some well known phrase is a part of the inspired text (and thus putting Butler right up there with Paul or the other Biblical authors).

But most importantly, if we could actually get people to read the Bible and try to figure out what it means instead of just spouting off some old phrase when they don't even know the truth about its origins, then people might begin to see that spanking your child is not a commandment or part of being a good Christian parents.

I'm going to try and keep this short since there are several great resources out there that discuss the meaning of the "rod" as it is used in Proverbs and other books in the Old Testament. But I will say that the Hebrew word used here is "shebet", which refers to a large walking staff held by the head of a family, the shepherd’s crook, or the king’s scepter. It is a symbol of authority, the staff used to guide sheep who are straying away from the flock, and the scepter that the king held out to Esther to allow her to come into his presence. It is the same rod that David refers to in Psalm 23, probably the most famous Psalm, when he says, "Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

To make it simple, I see several basic options for interpreting the handful of verses in Proverbs that refer to a rod in connection with the discipline of a child. We could take these verses literally and assume that this is a command for all of God's people at all times to hit their children as a form of discipline. Or, we could say that these verses are descriptive of how King Solomon (the writer of Proverbs) disciplined his own children and are not prescriptive--meaning that God didn't intend for us to take these verses to mean that we must discipline our children in that particular way. The other option is that the rod of discipline is actually figurative. It could refer to the authority we have as parents and instead of meaning that we must strike our children with a physical rod, we should use our authority to carefully guide, teach, and discipline our children (and yes, you can discipline without physical punishment).

Personally, I think the only one that makes any sense is the last option. It is only in that scenario that it makes any sense that the rod of discipline is the same rod that comforts the Psalmist. I think very few children would find being struck with a rod a comforting experience. However, carefully guiding and teaching our children throughout their life can impart both discipline, correction, and comfort. Also, if we take these verses literally then why don't parents go all the way and use a literal rod (as in a large staff like one that a shepherd would use, not a small ruler, flexible nylon rod/whip, or a 1/4" piece of plumbing supply line--and yes, those are all objects that certain Christian groups/writers have advocated as appropriate objects for administering spankings)? I'm guessing that most parents would probably stop spanking if they were told that had to use a 5-6' walking stick to strike their child's backside (or a golden scepter like the king had, because really, who can afford a golden rod just for spankings?). Also, the Old Testament also tells us that if we have a rebellious son who will not listen, the father and mother should bring him before the elders of the city to be stoned to death (Deuteronomy 21:18-21), but I don't see many Christians dragging their children out in the street in order to follow this part of the Bible.

For more information about the meaning of the word "shebet" and a discussion of the other verses in Proverbs that refer to a rod of discipline, check out Arms of Love Family Fellowship.

Here is an article from Theology Today (from 1981, too bad this didn't catch on 25 years ago) that discusses spanking.

Here is an article from the Boston Globe about a woman who tried to put a stop to the production and sale of "The Rod", a flexible whipping stick created for the purpose of training children. Apparently the pressure put on those that manufacture tools for physical discipline has been enough to stop the manufacturing of several of them, for the time being at least (The Rod, The Wee Wacker). There are others that are still in production, but I hesitate to link to them for fear that I will send business their way. There are also numerous Christian groups and authors that advocate other objects be used for administering spankings. For example, The Pearls recommend using a 1/4" piece of plumber's supply line and Gary Ezzo (yes, the same one that wrote the infamous Babywise) suggests using a large glue stick.

Many of these groups advocate using a flexible instrument because they are less likely to leave marks. I find that attitude particularly alarming. Finding an object that can hurt without leaving bruises doesn't make it safe, and it's far too close to the thought process behind many cases of domestic violence (hitting your wife in places where no one will see the bruises, or parts of the body where bruises are less likely to form).

One reason many groups say a parent should use a "neutral object" when administering a spanking is that hands are for loving and we don't want to confuse our children because they "can develop a pattern of flinching when you make an unexpected move" (from Dr. Dobson himself). This raises several concerns with me. First, how often is your child being spanked if they have become scared and flinch when you happen to raise your hand or make an "unexpected move"? I never want my children to fear me in that way, as if they expect me to hurt them. Also, this explanation assumes that our children are too stupid to figure out the connection between the parent, a hand, the object in the hand, and the pain when the object hits the flesh. Even a very young child can understand that the parent is indeed the one doing the hurting because they are the one holding the painful object. It might keep them from flinching every time you move your arm, but they'll still know that you are the one that hit them.

I am against spanking in all forms for a variety of reasons (including that I don't think it is very effective and there are so many alternatives out there that it is a poor choice in my opinion, and also because I don't advocate hitting children in any shape or form), but I am very much concerned about using a "neutral object" to spank a child. It is far more difficult to judge how much force you should use or are using when you are swinging another object, especially if your frustration or anger is clouding your judgment (and hopefully all parents would agree that you should never never spank in anger, but the truth is that this happens quite frequently).

I have one last warning for anyone who has had someone recommend Michael and Debi Pearl's book, To Train Up a Child, or No Great Joy ministry to them. I had heard of the Pearls before, and only knew that they were highly controversial. A few weeks ago someone recommended their book to me, along with "The Rod" that was mentioned several times in this post. I was too stunned to really say anything, but when I got home I began researching The Pearls. They not only recommend using a flexible instrument like the plumber's supply line to hit a child, but talk about using a rod to spank their own children beginning as young as 4 months. Their book is basically a manual that teaches you how to train a child in the same way you train an animal (although more harshly than many dog trainers would be in my opinion). There is a lot more I could say about this book (the text is online but I don't want to link to it), but this discussion is quite long already. I'll just say that this couple not only advocates some truly reprehensible ways to treat our children, but also teaches parents to view their children in ways that I do not find in agreement with how Jesus viewed children (let the little children come unto me, reminding his followers to become like children in several ways, etc). Here is an article at Salon that goes over some of the more specific concerns with their teachings.

Switching gears...

If you are a Christian woman who is looking for ways to parents gently or want to learn more about gentle grace-based discipline, Gentle Christian Mothers is a great site with articles and a forum that can help you learn more about alternative ways to parent and discipline.

For anyone, Christian or not, who wants to learn more about alternative philosophies of discipline and parenting, I recommend the following books:



I've also just started Grace-Based Parenting (link to the right under what I am currently reading), but I'll say more about that when I'm done with it.